


Crossing All the Lines

by PrimroseReality



Category: Girls Like Girls - Hayley Kiyoko (Music Video)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-21
Updated: 2015-09-28
Packaged: 2018-04-10 12:50:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4392566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrimroseReality/pseuds/PrimroseReality
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes you hate the way that Coley looks at you. It has so much weight to it, like without you she would fall apart, like you’re her everything. And she is your everything. You hate it and you try to reject it, but you can’t stay away from her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is written half in Coley's voice and half in Sonya's voice. Hopefully it is clear where it switches. Thanks for reading!

Girls touch each other. They grab hands and lean their bodies into one another and sling their arms around shoulders. Coley reminds herself of this when Sonya bumps her shoulder as she slides into the seat next to her in the dining hall. She has to remind herself of this a lot, not to overthink it when Sonya stops her conversation to smile at her over her shoulder. A smile that goes straight to Coley’s gut. It’s not normal she thinks as she reddens and returns to the calculus problem in front of her. The jumble in front of her seems to spell out Sonya. The solution is always Sonya.

  
She still doesn’t know why Sonya chose her to be her best friend. Everyone jostles for the new girl on the first day of seventh grade. She seems so sophisticated and all knowing. Coley has known everyone in her class since kindergarten. They all have their places. She stays in the middle of the pack, getting good grades, and hanging out with the daughters of her mother’s friends whose mothers put the same amount of pressure on them. The popular girls, Samantha, Amy, and Carly, sit in the back left corner of the classroom passing notes to the boys they decide are cute and constantly giggling. As soon as they see Sonya they want her in their corner. And Sonya goes with them, though she giggles far less. Then one day she walks over to Coley’s locker. “Hi, I’m Sonya.” She replays the moment in her head still today, wondering if Sonya simply decided to say hi to the next girl who walked down the hall. The choice still seems so random to her.

  
As soon as Sonya becomes her friend their weekends become a routine. Coley bikes over to Sonya’s house Friday night and they watch movies in Sonya’s bed until Coley can't keep her eyes open anymore. Sonya’s mother works double shifts at the hotel on the weekends so she spends most of the time alone. Coley hates the thought of thirteen-year-old Sonya trying to go to sleep in the dark.

  
Sonya always wakes up much later than Coley so Coley works on her homework at Sonya’s desk until Sonya yawns awake. They share a bowl of cereal as Sonya babbles about this and that. Coley could listen to her forever. That’s how it goes until Sonya gets her first boyfriend. Then Sonya sneaks into Coley’s house after nights with him.

  
Sonya goes through a lot of boyfriends. Coley used to joke that she collected boys like her dad collected stamps. Then Trenton comes along and he is suddenly everywhere, when Coley bikes over to Sonya’s house he is sprawled on a float in the pool, when Coley walks into the dining hall his arm is around Sonya, and when Coley stays up late waiting for Sonya to sneak into her window she never comes.

  
Even when she starts dating her only boyfriend ever Alex she never really can understand what Sonya sees in boys. They're rough and clumsy, not like Sonya. Sonya is lithe and perfect in her movements, always purposeful. Certainly Alex is a good representation of the male species. He is so nice to her the entire time. Even after she breaks up with him he always asks her how she is everyday.

  
At the end of the school year it almost feels like Sonya is trying to stay away from her. Then she comes back from her trip at the beginning of the summer and it’s back to normal. And even though Trenton is still around she decides that at least Sonya is around too.

  
She is used to it now, waiting for Sonya. She’s disappeared somewhere in the party, so Coley sits down with Carly and Amy as they drunkenly fight about what Real Housewives is better. They know not to ask her opinion about things like that. Once upon a time they tried to include her, but now she is pretty sure they just keep her around as a courtesy to Sonya. Without her they know they wouldn’t have Sonya’s house parties with her single mom always out.

  
Coley tries to shake away the day. The way Sonya painted her nails and put her lip-gloss on. Sonya seems to go between a bundle of nerves and unabashed joy. She can’t follow it.

  
She smokes more pot than she realizes and falls into a fitful sleep in Sonya’s bed, waking up to find the party silent. She’s happy as she floats down the hall searching for Sonya. Quietly she moves behind Trenton to slide the door open. Sonya doesn’t acknowledge her really until she puts her head on Coley’s shoulder. Then there’s complete elation as she sees Sonya moving toward her lips, the moment she’s wanted but not dared to think of as a reality since “Hi, I’m Sonya.” And then all she can feel is blinding pain.

~ 

Sometimes you hate the way that Coley looks at you. It has so much weight to it, like without you she would fall apart, like you’re her everything. And she is your everything. You hate it and you try to reject it, but you can’t stay away from her.

  
For the first time you ask your mom how to make a friend after you start your new school in seventh grade. You’ve never been drawn to someone like the girl that chews on her lip. Coley. You repeat the name in your head, letting the word fall of your tongue, making it comfortable, knowing that you want to spend as much time as possible saying it. It doesn’t make sense to you, why her, but mom tells you to say hi and you do and she’s right because that’s all Coley needs to show you every bit of her.

  
There’s the other girls of course. Luckily they’re not around too much and they’re good for some things. Coley doesn’t like boys really. “We’re just mature,” Samantha drawls one day as they cough over a cigarette while Coley is at field hockey practice. And you convince yourself she’s right even though in your gut you know it’s something much more.

  
The night you lose your virginity to Mark in the ninth grade you stumble over to her house. She leaves her desk light on for you and it makes you want to cry that night. You ache as you look at her in her bed. She’s precariously leaning over the edge to make room for you. You toss and you turn and you pull the blankets but she never complains when she’s left blanketless and half off the bed in the morning. You burrow in that night under her white comforter. Even though you’ve showered you feel like you smell like him, like grass and body spray and something so tart and all boy that you can’t put your finger on it. She exhales as you kiss her forehead even though she doesn’t wake up, like she’s been waiting for it all night, like she’s been waiting for it forever.

  
She doesn’t ask you how it was when you whisper it to her in the morning, waking up before her for the first time ever, she just asks you if you’re ok. That only makes it hurt more.

  
There’s a few boys, but none of them stick like Trenton. There’s something about him. The way you fight, and you hate to admit it but the way you have sex. You scratch his back and bite his neck and are in complete control of him. He leaves bruises on your body where he squeezes your flesh the way you like it and you hate that Coley sees them, that she traces them while biting her lip. “Do they hurt?” She whispers and you shake your head. She nods, “Good.” You want to tell her that with him it’s the first time you don’t see her face. That the pleasure mixed with moments of pain makes you lose yourself from her for only a moment. It still feels like a betrayal every time.

  
Coley starts dating a boy named Alex at the very end of tenth grade and she’s his for the whole summer. You can barely sleep the entire time. You want to cry and scream and rip his hair out when they come into you house holding hands. He is so soft with her and so careful like he can’t believe his luck that they’re actually together. Coley looks at you under hooded eyes, she watches your movements and you wish she wouldn’t because you can’t help but looking back at her and that hurts even more. You break up with Trenton that summer. You can’t even take being with him as you sulk.

  
They don’t break up until Thanksgiving. Alex is crushed and comes to you asking for your help in getting her back. You tell him you’ll try. You bring it up and Coley shakes her head. “I’m done with him.” You ask her why and you want her to say the real reason. “He doesn’t make me feel something.” She looks at you that way, that way that kills you and makes you feel more alive than ever and you almost reach out and do it, finally kiss her, but you stop yourself. No. Don’t ruin it. Stop. Coley looks disappointed down at her hands.

  
You can barely control yourself around her anymore. It’s like there are magnets in Coley’s skin pulling you towards her, so you bury yourself back in Trenton. He tells you he loves you and you bite his lip in return.

  
Coley goes away for the first two weeks of summer on a community service trip for her college applications. Even though you’ve been trying to stay away the physical tangible distance between you hurts. At least when you’re trying to avoid her you still know she’s close, she’ll never go to far from you.

  
Finally you call her on the third night of her trip, forgetting that there’s a three-hour time difference between you. But she answers sleepily. “I miss you,” you breathe into the phone and she repeats it back to you. Just like that it’s back to normal. She shares her room with six other people so you text back and forth until Coley falls asleep every night. You miss her voice.

  
When she gets back Coley works as a lifeguard at the community pool then bikes over after work everyday, she smells like chlorine, but you can still smell Coley under it. Sometimes you sleep with the clothes she leaves, holding them up to your face. It’s an overload and it only makes you feel worse, but you can’t help yourself.

  
For the first time she seems to deal with Trenton, usually when she sees him at your house she’ll find a reason to head back home, but this summer it’s like she doesn’t care anymore, or she’s given up, you’re not sure which and you’re not sure which is worse.

  
You’re having a party on a particularly hot afternoon. The air is thick with smoke and beer and sweat. Coley stays on the periphery as usual. You pull her down on the couch with you, needing to be close to her. The way she looks at you when Trenton gropes you in front of everyone makes you feel dirtier than he ever has.

  
The party slows, people stumble out or fall into each other on floors and couches and beds. Trenton falls asleep on the couch and you make your way out to the pool. You’re thinking about falling in clothes and all when you hear the door slide open. It’s not Trenton because there’s no noise other than the door. You feel her next to you and lean your head on your shoulder. You don’t know why you’re fighting it anymore, why you ever fought it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for everyone that has commented and kudos! Not sure what I'm doing with this, but it's still in my head so wanted to add another chapter. Let me know what you think!

Sometimes you hate Coley. It’s almost this fury that comes over you when you look at her. And then suddenly it’s gone, irrationally falling apart at the seams. You’re thinking about this when Trenton comes over the morning after. His face is swollen from the pummelling as he sits down across from you. He asks you if you love her, if you ever loved him, how long it’s been happening, how long you’ve been betraying him. It’s the biggest lie you’ve ever told when you whisper that you’re not sure, that you’re confused, that nothing had happened until yesterday and he is going away to college in two weeks anyway and you know he doesn’t want to be tied down to a high school girlfriend. He’s hurt by this, he tells you so. It’s a betrayal because there’s nothing truer in your life than the fact that you love Coley. You knew it at the school dance in the ninth grade when the pit settled in your stomach as you watched her slow dance with an inconsequential boy. It was like jumping into cold water on a hot day. And there are so many similes and metaphors to compare it to but that doesn’t help Trenton sitting in front of you with the saddest look you’ve ever seen on his face. And you want to care. You want to tell him that Coley was a mistake; that you were drunk and high and something came over you and she must be confused too about the feelings she has for you. That’s all a lie though. He leaves your house without any truth, just a sad expression and a loose hug.

  
There’s a moment a few weeks ago when you’re on top of Trenton on the couch, content with Coley sleeping soundly in your bed. You’ve texted him while you lay next to her to stop you from reaching out for her and tumbling into everything you’ve kept yourself from her. All this energy bottled up from laying next to her watching her sleep exploding onto him as you rake at his back and bite his lip until it bleeds and swells. He doesn’t hear the padding in the hallway, he’s not attuned to the sound of Coley like you are as you pull your head away from his lips to find her staring at you from outside your bedroom. As you slowly move up and down your eyes locked to Coley’s, Trenton under you unaware that to you he’s no longer even there. That to you all there is in that moment is her soft hands locked onto your hips and her eyes refusing to look away. In that moment she’s underneath you. Something builds within you, heat teasing your nerves ending and just as she looks away it explodes within you, flowing through you like nothing you’ve ever felt before.

  
And these are the times that you hate Coley. Because she’s let you live your life like this, not with her, living it through a shadow of lingering touches and lengthy looks that hold so much more weight than anything you’ve ever had with Trenton. She’s never said anything and it’s not fair that you’re supposed to be the one making all the moves. Everyone thinks you’re so brave, so confident. In the end you’re just like the rest of them. No matter how good you are at fooling people you care what they think.

  
There’s been radio silence from Coley. As she waits for you to make the move. You’re stubborn. You’ve always been stubborn. So you’ll be stubborn right now and wait for her because the looks that she gives you as she waits for you to make a move, they’re not fair. Then its four am and you’re alone in your house and as hard as you try, as many sheep you try to count, as many solemn songs you listen to quietly on your speakers, there’s those magnets and you find yourself almost unconsciously making your way to Coley’s, opening the window and slipping into bed next to her like you’ve done so many times before.  
There have been so many moments of the both of you in-between. In-between closing the space between you, in-between changing everything, in-between letting it all go and letting yourself have what you’ve always wanted most.

  
She’s awake when you pull the covers up over your shoulders, her eyes slowly blink open to meet your own. You think about your first sleepover. The way you heart beat as she lay down next to you. There’s no way you understood it, but it’s always been there. It’s always been Coley.

  
There’s a line of rough stitches on her forehead. She exhales a long held in breath as your hand ghosts over them. “I’m sorry,” you murmur. It falls out of you before you can stop it. There are so many things to apologize for. As much as you want to hate her, to blame her for all those years you could have been together, you know it’s as much, if not more, your fault. You kiss her softly on the cheek, nothing more than graze, but she hums happily into it. “Does it hurt?”

  
“No, not anymore.” Coley doesn’t smile or frown, her face transforms in front of you, from the creases of her eyebrows to the corners of her lips. It’s too beautiful that you turn away onto your back like you have so many times before when she looks at you so expectantly that the dull ache in your chest is ripped open into a chasm. “Were you with him?”

  
“For a little.” She nods her eyes not moving from your cheek. “I needed to talk to him. Everything happened so quickly yesterday and I know you hate him, but he’s not been bad to me. He’s an asshole most of the time I know. He loves me though.”

  
“Do you love him?” It’s creeping back in, the feeling you get when Coley is dangling in front of you asking you to tell her your truth. You’re mad at her. You want to love him in that moment. It would be so much easier. This thing with Coley is so messy, not just with Trenton, with the enormity of it. The fact that she’s the only one who could crush you completely. She deserves truth. You turn back to face her and lay your lips on her anxious ones. “I thought you regretted it,” she responds to you in between the intensifying kisses. Words are too confusing right now. You’ll never say what you mean to and if you say what you mean you won’t say it the right way. Instead you slowly ask for entry into her mouth with your tongue. There’s this sound that comes from her, somewhere between a sigh and a moan that makes your stomach feel heavy with something you’ve never felt with Trenton.

  
Kissing has never felt like this before. You’ve never felt anyone’s reactions reverberated in your blood, trickling slowly down your toes, your body energetically humming. Her hand trace the lines of you body, slipping under your shirt, slowly moving up the planes of your bare skin. “Stop.” It comes out of you without you realizing it as you rip your body away from her, sitting straight up looking down at Coley who looks frozen mid kiss. Then she transforms into something akin to sorrow. “It’s just a lot all at once Cole. I need time to get used to it.” The corners of her lips turn up but her eyes remain pained. “Can I stay here tonight?”

  
“Always,” she lets it out slowly, the word moving over your skin, prickling across your flesh sprouting goose bumps in its wake. You lay back down next to her, taking her wrist and kissing it, letting your lips rest on it until you both fall into sleep together.


	3. Chapter 3

It’s been the same for a week. Sonya sneaks into Coley’s house after she gets the text that her parents are asleep. They kiss until Sonya pulls away, falling asleep every night with her lips pressed to Coley’s wrist. She’s not complaining. This is everything she’s ever wanted. Still it’s different than she expected it to. She never told anyone her dreams of declarations of love. Not their business. Only for her to know. So ludicrous her dreams that Sonya might feel like she does that she barely whispered the words out loud to even herself.

  
She’s gone when Coley wakes up. Her makeup stains the pillows and the sheets feel thick with her scent, but she’s nowhere to be found. And things were never like this before. At least Sonya stayed even if she couldn’t touch her, just watch her sleep in the early morning light. They haven’t talked about anything, they’ve barely even talked. Usually they can’t stop talking to one another. Days filled with constant text messages, instagram tags, and the sound of tapping on windowpanes. Sonya hasn’t even called her this week.

Sensitivity has always been one of Coley’s weaknesses. She takes everything literally, going over moments, conversations, touches in her head again and again until she has become so anxious from them that she can barely breathe. Sonya can take her out of her head, pulling her forward with the feeling of the pad of her thumb on her wrist.

  
The weekend comes and she finally gets a call around four in the afternoon. They’re awkward with one another, painfully so, Coley wants to grind her teeth and scream at Sonya in exasperation. Still she listens to the way Sonya stumbles over her words, asking her if she wants to go to a party at Samantha’s that night, an end of summer thing before school starts next week. Coley’s working until eight so she says she’ll meet her there. Pausing like she doesn’t believe her, Sonya slowly says goodbye.

  
She’s going to the party. Maybe she’s confused by how Sonya’s acting, but that doesn’t mean she wants her to go to a party without her, like a jealous boyfriend, she cringes at the thought that she could be like Trenton ever. It’s Sonya’s fault though, the effect she has on people, the magnetic enigma that pulls people into her wide orbit. She’s not unique in loving Sonya, she knows that. It almost makes everything harder, knowing that she’s not unique, that just like everyone else she predictably fell for her. The inevitability of the sexually confused teenager falling for her best friend who seems so easy going, unperturbed by what anyone else wants.

  
The party is in full swing when she steps through the door. Bass shakes the house as she passes the pulsing teenagers. There’s liquid, smoke, and powder being consumed in all their different ways. Sonya always seems to be the middle of these affairs. Tonight is no different. Coley finds her dancing on top of Samantha’s dining room table. Unable to help it she leans against the doorframe and just watches her. It’s like the music disappears and everything moves in slow motion as Sonya dances. Carly hands her something that she brings up to her nose, Sonya leans head back in a laugh and wrapping her arms around Samantha. Coley prickles. Sonya is on drugs, not that she hasn’t seen Sonya on drugs before. The boys they spend time with always seem to have a joint to light up or a pill to crush into a fine powder. But she hates it when Sonya’s on drugs. It’s like Sonya is underwater, like she can’t hear Coley properly, like she’s not Sonya at all, not even a little bit. She’s never told Sonya that she hates it. And Sonya’s perceptive when it comes to her, she really is. This though, this has always been the one area where Sonya accepts Coley’s fake smiles as she refuses a hit.

  
Unexpectedly she feels her body being pulled towards the table by Carly. They’re nicer to her when they’re high or drunk, or a mixture like tonight. Then she’s just another girl to have fun with, a girl who Sonya wants around, a girl they need to keep Sonya from leaving. When she’s up on the table along with Sonya the other girl stops dancing to look at her with an expression that Coley can’t read at all. The table shakes with their weight, breaking them from their staring match. They all jump off, following the stream of people into the living room. There’s a shot put in Coley’s hand. Then another. Then another and a puff of smoke from Sonya’s lips.

  
At some point someone yells body shots. Carly and Samantha easily pull up their shirts, clearly ready for whatever tongues want to lick their stomachs, no matter their previous locations. Sonya giggles at them as they push her towards the table, pulling her t-shirt off to reveal her black bra. For the second time that evening she feels the unexpected pull of Carly’s hand around her wrist as a boy she doesn’t know lays a trail of salt on Sonya’s taut stomach. Her blood pumps in her ears as she looks down at Sonya in a state of undress Sonya hasn’t let her see for a week even though she’s usually unabashed in front of Coley, throwing clothes off and pulling swim suits on as she continues to babble, unperturbed by or oblivious to Coley’s stares.

  
It’s an electric shock when she drags her tongue against Sonya’s stomach, the cheap tequila travelling down into her stomach with a shudder. And she hates that she’s a puddle on the floor at the contact, that she can barely control the feeling in the pit of her stomach, that it takes all of her self-control not to do it again. She can’t read Sonya’s expression before she turns her back to her, rolling her eyes at all the ogling yelping boys.

  
The party continues on with Coley dancing with the girls, sneaking looks at Sonya who still has that look on her face, a look that Coley’s never seen before, a look that she doesn’t understand at all.

  
Sonya exclaims that she has to pee and grabs Coley’s hand. No one’s allowed upstairs except for Samantha’s few close friends. People have respected it. It’s better to be excluded from upstairs than an entire party.

  
Sonya doesn’t say anything as she leads Coley up the stairs, pulling her faster and faster before whipping the bathroom door open and locking the door after them.

  
It’s a surprise when Sonya pushes her against the sink, clashing their teeth together in a kiss unlike any they’ve had in the past week. It dawns on her what the look Sonya had on her face was. Sonya was turned on, she wanted, wants Coley. She feels smug about it, but then she feels angry. Angry that it takes powders and shots for Sonya to let herself have what she wants. But it feels good. It feels too good to push her away as Sonya clumsily unbuttons her shirt. “I want to touch you.” Her eyes expand as Sonya slowly says it. All Coley can do is give an overwhelmed nod. “I want to touch you everywhere.” The way she says it pulls Coley out of it, out of her blinding desire for Sonya to touch. Because she says it in that slurred underwater way that Sonya says things when she’s far away in a substance created cloud, far away from Coley. So she pulls away, gathering her discarded shirt off the floor and reaching for the door handle. “Where are you going?” Sonya looks shocked, almost outraged. And Sonya must never get rejected, she knows that, she knows all the stories. “Cole?”

  
“I don’t want to do this here Sonya. You’re basically terrified of me touching you when we’re in bed together, but as soon as you snort something you’re all into me. It’s not fair.” It comes out of her like lava, like she’s been holding it in for years not only a week. “I thought everything was different, but if I’m just your little experiment because Trenton was such a sucky suckfest then I can’t fucking do this because I love you, I’m in love with you. I always have been and I think you’ve always know that, but it’s true.” She shrugs, trying to keep herself from crying anymore.

  
“Cole… I can’t do this right now.”

  
“Then when? Maybe you’ll come over before my parents are asleep. Maybe you’ll stay for when I wake up. Do you know I tried to stay up all night last night because I wanted to catch you leaving? I wanted to see your face as you left me in bed again. But that’s what you’ve always been doing isn’t it Sonya? Leaving me to go off to something better, making me wait for you. It’s my fault really because I let you treat me like this. I let you because I am so blinded by how much I love you.” Sonya can’t say anything. She stands there dumbly just staring at Coley so she walks out for the first time on Sonya. She throws the door open and leaves her standing in the bathroom, leaves the party, goes back to her empty bed and sleeps better than she has the entire week.


End file.
